Strawberry Gashes.

So basically I used to be a cutter. I'd cut every time I'd get upset, angry or nervous. Basically all emotions. Cutting was the way I dealt with everything. I'd inflict pain on myself to get rid of the emotional pain I'm feeling. It worked forever. I quit. I had to. It was taking over my life. My parents didn't know and I didn't want to tell them and doing it this way had a very good chance I'd get caught. Today I got upset. Dun dun dun. Went into the bathroom and took the razor apart and pulled down my pants a bit to reveal my thigh... I didn't get as far as to cut myself when I zoned back into reality and realized I'm not a cutter anymore. I didn't even touch myself with the razor and I could feel the pain of it. The sweet bliss of it all. It felt so good to think about it but I couldn't. I just couldn't. The most I've done to cutting myself is accidentally...I have cuts on my legs and thighs but that's from shaving. Heh. I miss it. I really do. The razors were my friends...they kept me company and they kept me sane. When I quit cutting, I started with the drinking...drinking didn't help. Drugs... they were my new best friend. Met a lovely boy. Had to give that up to. Now I'm stuck with no way to get rid of this pain so I'm stuck with it. All I can do now is cry. Crying doesn't even semi help. It makes me feel worse. So I cry until I fall asleep and everything becomes okay the next morning. It's more painful than cutting. But yes. This blog was stupid but I needed to get my feelings out somehow, right? Heh. Personal issue. Please don't judge me. /sigh



"Turn her over, a candle is lit. I see through her, blow it out and save all her ashes for me. Curse me. Sold her. The poison that runs its course through her pale white skin with strawberry gashes. All over, all over." Strawberry Gashes - Jack Off Jill

Take lots with alcohol.

On my way home from Ottawa today I wrote 2 little things. Not sure what to call them. The reason for the title is because that's the song I was listening to then. I know that because I wrote it down. Heh. Anyways, here they are. They are kind of untitled atm though. Hope you don't mind.

I could get used to this
because I'm so sick of you
I will forget to remember
to return your calls
no apologies.

&

What we do is magic
faerie dust at my fingertips
you kiss my cheek so softly
I want to hold onto you
until all the stars
fall from the sky,
and the moon
no longer iluminates the landscape
I just can't let you go.

They may be a tad lame, but that's the best I can do right now. Hehe.

"Just give me medicine prescribe me anything, just knock me out and walk me through the door. I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore." Take Lots With Alcohol - Alkaline Trio

Whiskey Lullaby.

The burning sensation flowing down my throat is comforting in some sick and twisted way. I've realized it doesn't help but it keeps me company when you're not around. Eventually I notice you are there, always have been which makes me take another swig and continue staring at my bed where you should be. But you're not. I'm only living on the hope you have me for the day we come together as one. That hope helps me put down the razor and bottle. It'll be fine one day, if not I'll say hello to my silver, shiny friend. He'll be mad that I haven't picked him up in a while but he will be satisfied when the blood is shed. Until then I'll get high on the hope and keep inhaling until you leave my life for good.



"How much she blamed herself, for the years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time, but she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind." Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley & Allison Krause

A little love.

Go go first blog. Hehe. I have to start somewhere, right? Yes ... thought so too. I've been debating on starting to blog and such and I obviously decided on what I was going to do. I chose to because I have lots of interesting things to say ... no, not really. Just kidding. I don't have much of a life, or many friends. My computer keeps me warm at night. Well, only when its turned on. Ahaha. No, I'm being serious. Who needs heat when you keep your computer on 24/7 << You must have a computer since you're reading this so you must know what I'm talking about. If not, follow the rules. -,-

Come on, please don't tell me you don't know the rules?! Fine, I guess I can tell you. Okay well here it goes.

Rule #1: Speak when spoken to.
Rule #2: Shut the fuck up.
Rule #3: Go to sleep.
Rule #4: (made especially for me) Sleep on the bed. -,-

Follow those rules and we'll get along just fine. ^^

Anyways, that's all for my first blog. Enjoy. <3


"They belong together, that's what he has in mind. She kills him with a kiss, forever joined in death." - Oxidising Angel - Blutengel